My journey to truly becoming His lover. Part 1.

 

Most times we think we are doing all we do because we love the Lord till we take a moment to realise that 80% of what we do is for our own benefits and not christ's. 

I fell into that category where I thought doing alot of activities meant that I loved the Lord and had a relationship with Him.

I also fell into that category where I tried to get satisfaction from human relationship, longing for that emptiness to be filled. You know that emptiness that just wouldn't go away. 

Those times when you decide to watch movies so you wouldn't notice the emptiness or the times where you just want to be with your boyfriend/girlfriend just to fill the emptiness. But, well we still get the same result, it never goes away!

The journey to truly becoming a lover of Christ and deriving my satisfaction in Him wasn't a smooth road, but I'm glad I scaled through and got clarity. 

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart"

One time ago, I decided to detach from every relationship in which I had tried to derive satisfaction from. A recent experience I had at that time made me come to that decision.

At that point, I realised that indeed I was a Christian and a lover of Christ but I thought, have I truly totally relied on Him? Have I trusted and love Him so much so that I get my satisfaction from Him? 

Giving this a deeper thought, I realised that I had spent so much time doing so many activities, all the while, thinking that was what it meant to love the Lord.

However, something  happened, I got  exhausted with the various activities; what I thought I was doing for God, who I thought God would have me help. I was so occupied with everything that I no longer knew Christ intimately.

I mean I knew him but I didn't know him intimately. 

How does one not know the one s/he claims to love, intimately? 

It became clear to me that in as much as God’s activities are good, the most essential part of this love relationship with the Father is intimacy.

I yearned for God, I truly yearned for God!

Hence, one day, I decided to be vulnerable with Him. I wanted to know the heart of the one I called my lover. 

I wanted to be satisfied with Him and Him alone. I wanted every other person to come second. I wanted to be His lover and Him my lover in whom I would be fulfilled and satisfied. 

I mean the bible says it that I should live, move and have my being in Him but how was I going to do that?

At that point, I knew I was really ready to have Him occupy the empty spaces of my heart not just occupy but be a lover that accepts me for who I am. A lover that helps me grow and most of all, a lover that  never gives up on me or that would never leave me. I needed that lover.

This time, I wasn't thinking about it anymore. I made a decision.

I PROPOSED TO THE FATHER

So, I asked Him out. 

Yes I knew He had asked me out by sending His beloved son to die for me. And I also knew that I said yes to Him at some point in my life.

But I also knew that I was a selfish lover. I was greedy and only thought of myself first before Him. Hence right there I didn't consider myself as a deserving lover. 

So this time, I asked him out. I can still remember vividly saying; “Lord please be my lover, I want to be satisfied in you and by you, I want you to truly be my everything”. 

This time, I was in total submission and fully opened for His love. 

I was ready.

It was then, ..I saw myself through the eyes of christ in songs of solomon chapter 2.

Verse 2(The Passion translation).

"Yes, you are my darling companion. You stand out from all the rest. For though the curse of sin surrounds you, still you remain as pure as lilly, even more than all others".

I saw this and I was sure I made the right choice, my lover made me know that those times when I thought I was worthless, worth nothing because of my insecurities, sin, mis-directed service, He still sees me with the sweetness of His love and mercy. 

He sees me as still capable. He sees so much I can do. He sees my abilities and He believes that I am unique and I can still standout. 

He said, that is why His arms were always open to accept me, because when everything seems bad and people see only negative about me, He still sees the little good or light within me that no one seems to see.

This verse thought me deeply about how selfless and hopeful the father's love is. It thought me that no matter how I fail, or how many times I try again, my lover is never giving up on me because I remain as pure as Lilly even more than others in His eyes.

He sees the best in me even at the time when I don't see it... That is what a companion, a lover, a friend does!

HE GENTLY  MADE ME OPEN UP TO HIM

Verse 3 - 6

“My beloved is to me the most fragrant apple tree he stands above the sons of men. Sitting under his grace-shadow, I blossom in his shade, enjoying the sweet taste of his pleasant, delicious fruit, resting with delight where his glory never fades.”

“Suddenly, he transported me into his house of wine— he looked upon me with his unrelenting love divine.”

“Revive me with your raisin cakes. Refresh me again with your apples. Help me and hold me, for I am lovesick! I am longing for more—yet how could I take more?”

“His left hand cradles my head while his right hand holds me close. I am at rest in this love.”

As I read these verses, It poured out everything I had in my heart! At that moment, I could relate and resonate with the shulamite woman. 

If I can just acknowledge that He is never giving up on me and always hopeful of me, then with that knowledge, I can easily open up to Him and allow Him help me.

And that is exactly what the shulamite woman did, she opened up to God, she let Him in. 

She too became hopeful and trusted Him with her situation, that's why she could follow Him into His house of wine i.e His house of worship ...and when she tasted how great it felt to just rest on Him...and cast all her cares and worries on Him she found rest!

And guess what? she wanted more!

And yes that was me too. After experiencing Him as I have never done before, I wanted more. I so wanted more and indeed the journey continued!

...

Watch this space for "My Journey to truly becoming His Lover Part 2".

Adenike episode 3 will be out on Saturday. Wait for it! I'm excited already!

Please comment and share your thoughts below.